Nov 29, 2012

at 2:15 PM

Jealousy is shit.

Isn't it funny how guys and girls see jealousy differently?

I've had enough of jealousy that kills me to the max. Each time I'm jealous I tell myself, I don't care anymore, do whatever you like and I'm not gonna feel crap ever again.

Failing badly each time.

Or sometimes, I'd tell myself that no matter how jealous I am, I'm gonna keep quiet like nothing happened, I'm not gonna let him know how I feel, what I know and how terrible I'm feeling.

Well I did success sometimes to not say a single word. Nobody knows anything, but I can't deny the fact that it was seriously tearing my heart apart. It won't affect anything if I'm the only one suffering. Cause I know the feeling would fade away some moment later.

But that doesn't work for me for long. I can't take it anymore. So I realized I'm expressing it more lately. But here's the bad thing about it. The more I express, the deeper the scar is. In the end I succeeded by expressing, I felt better, but it made things worse.

I don't know if anyone would understand that same feeling but crap it's making me feeling worse and worse. I don't even know if expressing it here now is the right thing to do.

I would always be wondering how could someone possibly feel NOTHING when the person you have feelings for pay more attention to other people than you. And now I feel like a selfish pig wanting to own the whole puddle of mud all to myself without sharing with other pigs. Well even thou I could have described in a better way.

But here's my confession....

It's not like I want you to stop doing what you're doing. Cause things you're doing aren't wrong..they're normal and everybody does that. I guess I just feel insecure. Or I just wish you would make me feel better in any way. Or I just think that I'm good at nothing. Or maybe, I just wish you knew how much it means to always make me feel that I'm the best.

I'm feeling worse of myself now..

It's also funny sometimes, that you'd feel so differently when the same thing is said by different people. For instance, you would feel normal when people tells you you're so beautiful. And when somebody that matters tell you that, you'd feel like you're flying and you know that is sincere (or you would like to think it is) and wish you could tell the whole world what you just heard.

Oh sigh...
I can't continue from here..I doubt I'd even finish expressing.

I'm just wondering and not gonna stop wondering..
That if one day I don't get jealous anymore..would you even notice?








Something must be wrong with me.
):






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