Mar 29, 2013

at 1:37 PM

Zao an.

It's 10am. it's a nice day. Practice is cancelled, tuition is postponed. So praise God that I can have my last day of holiday all to myself. Mwahs. =)

Oh hi it's 10.30am now lol. Because I just came out from morning shower. I didn't wake up this morning smiling. But rather I was kinda moody. So I thought maybe a shower would make my hair falls nicer and therefore brightens the rest of my day. And I know it made no sense.

It's actually 11.14am cause I went and make breakfast and was talking outside with my lil brother. See how fast time flies.. My one hour is gone just like that.


'Seriously, I need to reconsider?'

Am I really choosing the wrong path? I plan to use the time I have today to look again into courses. Let's just pray that God will open my dam eyes. TO SEE WHAT HE WANTS FOR ME. I'm so frustrated each time when I need to RE-PLAN, RECONSIDER, REARRANGE, RE. RE. REPEAT JUST EVERYTHING I'VE GONE THRU. But I know it's useless to rage here. If I don't make a move, nothing changes with all my stupid complains. 


Last night somebody professional said I can learn things quick. I was half proud and half doubtful. I learn things quick, but I never seem to last long on the things I learn. I know so much, but I'm never really good at any. And for that it makes me so worthless. What good does it bring if you don't excel. Why am I like that. 


Nothing much to talk about. I think I just shouldn't say it's a nice day in my first sentence. Cause nothing in this post shows it is. Or maybe just let me recall something nice to say lol..

So yesterday I had fun in KL with my 2 bodyguards, brother and father whee. I love how my dad can always be so random. He's flexible in such a way that plans are merely plans, you don't have to always go according to plans. If plan A doesn't work, go plan B instead of cracking your head to make plan A work. Not everybody thinks like that. And my mother is a total opposite. Which is not something bad, cause she's more of an organized person.

So I have no worries when I'm with my mother, cause things can always be done as planned, perfectly. Whereas for my dad, I have to be prepared for any change of plans, that sometimes can be annoying lol. But one good thing is that, father never fails to surprise me, with random ideas. Come to think of it, I think I know why I love my boyfriend so much. Cause he's so much like my father..


Back to topic, here are some photos.

Whee finally I'm qualified to hashtag this OOTD thingy.

my didi.

didi tired liao.


me and the sun. sunlight i mean.


Father's car punya aircond spoilt d, so, natural wind all the way back.

this little one looks good, but it sucks actually.

Last night.

And this, is my station of work/game/movie/dating and whatnot.

I'm off.
Tons of work.



Mar 28, 2013

at 12:19 AM

Look what I found..

Looked back at old photos.

Back in 2009, me le vise president of le Choir Club.


Forgot I was once so sporty so tanned.

Other than that, I found some photos when I was a mini.

I forgot also that I once had quite a chubby baby-fat face.



Really, I miss my teenage years already..

Mar 27, 2013

at 12:06 AM


Just some random recent photos that I chose not to insta/facebook.



Mar 25, 2013

at 2:18 AM

I think I'm a happy girl.

I love posting photos sometimes because that's when I feel good about myself. Hehe.

Boyfriend always teaches me to think this way: When you feel that people are better than you, think of things that you have and they don't, be grateful, and look up to yourself. That kinda works now.

That was just random. I'm actually here today to break that emo atmosphere a little. Cause each time I enter my blog, that aura kills me and I feel so much like it's dragging me into it again. Ish. 

So today I went MidValley for the 37th Edu Fair, or whatever they call it. It was good, but I was kinda disappointed. I didn't know there are so many things to consider. But I learnt a lot tbh. And I was quite a happy girl today.

I cancelled all my tuition today for this fair and I told myself to NOT waste my day. So I went with 9 other F6 friends by KTM. Speaking of friends, I actually felt kinda left out today cause they were already like one clique, and I was the alien. Man that feeling sucks. Problem was when I tried to blend in it made me feel so strange cause practically, nobody laughed at my jokes, nobody responded to my questions, nobody cared when I cared. :3 LOL okay I'm not complaining, but seriously I JUST CAN'T BLEND. Maybe I'm the weird one cause if I were to act the same in my own clique we would laugh and just talk about the same thing. Behehe, unless my usual gang was faking them omg gg. Also in addition, the girls weren't excited when they saw the BIG MIRROR in the washroom but I was. The girls washed their hands WITHOUT looking at the mirror but I was already there taking photos. I asked if they want to take together they asked me why. HAHA kk these are my problems, I was just perasan k. But most of all, I can't find myself laughing at their jokes either. 

I don't know, I can't seem to be one of them, I feel so bad. D: But just thankfully I still have some common topics with some of le guys. I wonder what kind of person am I to them..hopefully not somebody bad..  

The fair was pretty helpful actually. I was surprised with the amount of questions I asked thou. I went booth to booth, but some colleges don't offer degree courses. Some do, but not the course I want. Some requires Foundation studies but not STPM. I met some lectures of their colleges, talked to their counselors, asked tons of questions, and in the end I was so drained.

I guess the fair was more for SPM leavers cause I saw so many didi meimei, and all they did was to blindly get them brochures and goodies. Those were the times. But this time I guess I was determined of what I want, so I'm only asking relevant questions and I got direct answers most of the time. I guess I just didn't waste my day.

Also, I saw a bunch of unnecessary people. Cause it made the place so crowded, so stuffy. One table of 6 friggin people, with only 1 of them entering college, and the rest are merely 姨妈姑姐.. Seriously, if you need a parent with you that's understandable. But with the rest of your younger siblings and such,  I seriously think they shouldn't be there. 

Anyway I have no say. It's just that I don't like to squeeze.

I sometimes wish I had parents like those. Those that are so concerned with their child's education, their choices of courses and such. But on the other hand I'm thankful I have parents that give us the liberty to make mistakes, the liberty to choose, and the opportunity to be independent. We were being taught since young, to order our own food, to buy things with our own money, to work hard for what we want. 

I was all alone today at the fair. And with all the information I got from the fair, I guess that's a self accomplishment. I never knew I could be that independent. Heh.

I have so much to talk about actually, cause that was only half of the story. But I'm so sleepy now. I've walked the whole day in my wedge sandals, both MidValley and Jusco. 


till we meet again.


Mar 19, 2013

at 11:33 PM

Refresh button.

First of all this is merely a post to express..
I did not mean to harm or offend anybody..

I was born being different in the family. My look itself gives people an impression that I'm, just different. I grew up being asked why are you so skinny, why are you so dark, nothing to eat ah? why you don't look like your sister, don't look like your parents. Are you being adopted, are you from a rubbish dump site or something. Why this. Why that.

Standard 2, I was mischievous until one point I hid my sister's PK exercise book. Knowing her teacher would cane her badly, I kept quiet while she and my mother kept searching for it. My sister was crying, and I remained in silence. In the end I revealed it, feeling no guilt at all. Oh, I forgot to mention I scrabbled all over her book with a black marker pen. I was a pain.

Standard 2, father bought a toy globe and hanged it up with a string so we could start learning about countries at such young age. I destroyed the globe with a pair of scissors, for no reason. I did not admit, they found out it was me and I was being scolded. I was a pain.

When I was still a kid I always wanted attention. I cry once in awhile complaining nobody loves me, nobody sayang me, so my mother would hug me and say silly girl, everybody loves you. I just always need to be reminded that I'm being loved. I was such an attention-seeker.

I always think I don't worth anything. I always try to act like a strong girl. I act like I don't need anybody to help, I act like I know everything, I act like I'm always right. Why am I such a pain. Even until today.

Standard 6 when I got my UPSR results, I was so proud of myself. Cause I thought finally I'm bringing good news to the family. Form 3 when I got my PMR results, my confidence was crashed and crushed. My aunt told me 'you reap what you sow', mother told me I did not work hard, father said I played too much. Then I told myself I'm gonna do well in SPM. Form 5 when I got my results, I was grateful to God and everybody was so proud of me.. Parents, sister, close friends, boyfriend..

I really thought I was good, so I took up the challenge to go Form 6. Because it's free, because I wasn't ready to go anywhere. I kept telling myself it's God's plan. I should be standing in a cross road by now, choosing my path. But it looks like I'm on a road with a dead end. My plans are all ruined now, my visions are blurry, my confidence are shaking.

I did not get what I expected least. It's below my worst, just it sucks badly. I can't make the universities pick me, can't even pick them myself, cause with my results I just have NO RIGHTS to choose. You must be thinking I should blame myself for not studying hard enough. I'm not regretting the effort I put in. Cause I think I did put in effort, and I seriously think I don't deserve this result.

Maybe God made me choose between Form 6 and Matriculation and I made the wrong decision. God allows failures, and He'll also pick me up from it. But I'm not standing up yet, I have so many questions running in my head. Why form 6, why so terrible, why, it's such a waste of time.

I just found out my course needs a foundation or a diploma in the Uni I wanted. So yet again it's another bad news. What should I do now. Seriously.

Heard from my juniors that my teachers actually talked about me in class. I was a disappointment. Teachers literally sighed. Why, I really am such a disappointment.. Mother was unhappy. She asked why, I couldn't give an answer.

So nice that my sister is graduating, and she's doing so good.. I don't like being worried about, I don't like to bring trouble to my parents, but I just am such a headache.

If I could, I would love to pay for my own education fees all by myself.
If I could, I would do anything I want as long I don't need their help.
If I could hear from God directly, I won't have to worry so much.
If I could hear from God...I won't be bringing myself down so much..

I'm so lost.
I'm doing all the wrong things.
Nothing seems right anymore..

I don't know why am I saying so much unrelated and unnecessary stuff.
So much contradiction so much nonsense.

I'm taking a break from everything I'm doing.
I don't know when will I be back..
Just, leave me alone...

Mar 17, 2013

at 1:49 PM

I just fell into a bottomless pit.

Maybe I really am not as good as I think..

Isn't it funny how when sometimes I can finally be confidence, then something else has to come in and ruin it. It's either I'm just that bad, or I'm overconfidence.

Pastor always teaches us to be glad when somebody is better than you. I am, I admire them, but at the same time feeling bad about myself.

I don't know what to feel anymore.

Teach me please.


Mar 16, 2013

at 10:56 AM

It's Church Day! mwahs :)

Harro, just came back from a lovely breakfast with my lovely family.
Came up here to show face.
Cause I thought I looked kinda nerdy today.

Do I, in any way, look Lion King to you?



Mar 12, 2013

at 10:58 PM

Once in a blue moon.

2 minutes ago I was playing CandyCrushSaga on Facebook.
Then suddenly I decided to stop playing.

And the reason goes..

I had a tuition today from 3.30pm to 6pm. And I was all free till now. Can you believe it, I finally have an evening that's totally free.... 

So I posted this on Instagram this afternoon.

That was my to-do-list I made when I came back from kindergarten this noon. I was really hyper and semangat with it! I even said I'm not gonna sleep without doing all of them tonight. But meh, it's 10.30pm now and I only did one thing on the list.

Also, that's the one thing I'm gonna talk about now. But before that...


I wonder how true is that when people say "it's easy to laugh together but it's hard to live together." (actually I just quoted that myself lol but pretty much the same meaning) so yeah, best friends that only get to talk once in awhile usually have better relationships than those who meet everyday. Same goes to relationship with your love ones. As in boy-girl-relationship. 

Nevermind that, my main point is neither of those two.

So here's my confession. I wonder how long I haven't been praying properly. So does that also mean the less I talk to God, the better my relationship is with Him? I don't think that works here.. Or maybe that quote was just plain bullshit. Relationships need communication, need time to build, need effort to maintain, need your love to protect..

Crap, that contradiction. 
But nevertheless, relationships that has less communications tend to die off easier.

So of all the things I planned to do in the list, I chose to pray first. I set my own prayer station in my room just now, on some christian music (macam yes) and started praying. It was all casual and easy at first. So like any other normal daily prayer, I started praying for my family members, each and everyone of them, prayed for church, pastors, for Sabah, for some prayer requests, for my boyfriend, and finally for myself.

And in the midst of it, the song playing was 'Who am I' by Casting Crowns. Yep you can click, I linked the Youtube link with it so you can check it out if you want to. God just touched me in His ways. And so happened I was praying for something really important..well I can't describe how exactly that feeling was but that song fitted my exact situation and request that moment.

How real He is.

I don't intend to drag this post longer cause I hope this short post does say something to some of you. Those who have forgotten to spend time with God, those who have given too much excuses to stop praying, those who was strayed away from God, those who have stopped hearing from Him, so and so..

He has touched me, He can touch you all the same. 
Or even better, in a greater way.

I asked God to teach me how to let go of things.
I asked God to teach me to have stronger faith.
I prayed also that if one day things have to stop working like how it is now, He will comfort me and not let my dwell in depression for too long.

And that I will learn. to. obey.

Coming back to the CandyCrush thingy. 
I stopped playing just now cause I didn't want that God-touched feeling to fade away before I blog about it. 

Therefore decided to blog first and continue playing.

So, ciao.

I've surrendered everything to Him.
I hope my faith doesn't shatter anymore.


Mar 10, 2013

at 2:21 PM


Tuition at 2pm was canceled.
I was excited, but not anymore.

I wanted to sleep off that pain that weariness that depression. Then in less than a minute rain started to fall. Just so happened speaker was blasting my favorite song and therefore triggered my blogging mood.

I mean, I was kinda depressed these few days. I lost my mood for almost everything. Perhaps those are just seasons of life. Or maybe my period of pms. I told boyfriend that I don't wanna make it my excuse to emo all the time. I tried controlling and still fail every single time.

I hardly complain or talk about my relationship problems here. Partly cause there's no need for everybody to know, and secondly cause we never really had big issues. But I wish sometimes..he could understand me more when seasons like this make me so ugly, so terrible and so, unbearable. I hope he doesn't get tired of bearing with me..sigh.

I just shut myself off from him for awhile.. I needed him like mad, needed comfort from him. But I decided not to affect him further since he has work to do. Hopefully some time for myself to cool down and stuff. I don't know.

Sensitivity, if only he could be a lil more sensitive. But other than that, he's a loving boyfriend. He's done so much, and he definitely has loved me enough.

I don't know how many times have I sighed since I started blogging just now. Eyes are so tired. Head aching, mind flying everywhere, heart thumping fast for some reasons I can't explain.

I hope it doesn't stop raining.
I'm in love with this atmosphere.


Mar 5, 2013

at 1:24 AM

He is worthy.

I can't thank the Lord more for being so faithful..

He has never failed to bless me with so much, and through that He teaches me how to bless people in return. ‘施比受更为有福’ I always hold on to this very verse and tell myself, it's okay, I'm giving this much, He'll bless me with double. True enough He did.

I'm surprised myself with what I have now. I'm not boasting. Or maybe I am, boasting about my God. I once prayed to Him, 'Bless me with more Father, I trust You will. Bless me so that I can bless Your kingdom.' God really heard me, such simple prayer. Isn't He a loving Father....

'Ask and you shall be given.' 
I used to hear this A LOT from a high school friend last time. Used to be my seatmate, my classmate, my only stick-around-friend in class, my CF president, my good girlfriend. She did plant something in my life. I love you girl.

'By faith we believe, His best receive.'
Used to be our church theme, and it always encourages me in so many things. Faith wins a lot of stuff guys I'm not joking. Don't lose your faith, God is at work. =)

On a side note, I'm having a lot of things to do recently. I plan them, but sometimes fail to do them. Partly because I procrastinate a little, but mainly cause I really have no time.. Most of the time I have to choose between rest/game. Other than that I'm just plainly working. So as of now, I'm choosing rest over game. Seriously so NOT me right. I guess I have to be back for game, and less rest.

GG so not healthy.
And since when I'm so health conscious.

I'm sounding so old now ISH.






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