Mar 19, 2013

at 11:33 PM

Refresh button.

First of all this is merely a post to express..
I did not mean to harm or offend anybody..

I was born being different in the family. My look itself gives people an impression that I'm, just different. I grew up being asked why are you so skinny, why are you so dark, nothing to eat ah? why you don't look like your sister, don't look like your parents. Are you being adopted, are you from a rubbish dump site or something. Why this. Why that.

Standard 2, I was mischievous until one point I hid my sister's PK exercise book. Knowing her teacher would cane her badly, I kept quiet while she and my mother kept searching for it. My sister was crying, and I remained in silence. In the end I revealed it, feeling no guilt at all. Oh, I forgot to mention I scrabbled all over her book with a black marker pen. I was a pain.

Standard 2, father bought a toy globe and hanged it up with a string so we could start learning about countries at such young age. I destroyed the globe with a pair of scissors, for no reason. I did not admit, they found out it was me and I was being scolded. I was a pain.

When I was still a kid I always wanted attention. I cry once in awhile complaining nobody loves me, nobody sayang me, so my mother would hug me and say silly girl, everybody loves you. I just always need to be reminded that I'm being loved. I was such an attention-seeker.

I always think I don't worth anything. I always try to act like a strong girl. I act like I don't need anybody to help, I act like I know everything, I act like I'm always right. Why am I such a pain. Even until today.

Standard 6 when I got my UPSR results, I was so proud of myself. Cause I thought finally I'm bringing good news to the family. Form 3 when I got my PMR results, my confidence was crashed and crushed. My aunt told me 'you reap what you sow', mother told me I did not work hard, father said I played too much. Then I told myself I'm gonna do well in SPM. Form 5 when I got my results, I was grateful to God and everybody was so proud of me.. Parents, sister, close friends, boyfriend..

I really thought I was good, so I took up the challenge to go Form 6. Because it's free, because I wasn't ready to go anywhere. I kept telling myself it's God's plan. I should be standing in a cross road by now, choosing my path. But it looks like I'm on a road with a dead end. My plans are all ruined now, my visions are blurry, my confidence are shaking.

I did not get what I expected least. It's below my worst, just it sucks badly. I can't make the universities pick me, can't even pick them myself, cause with my results I just have NO RIGHTS to choose. You must be thinking I should blame myself for not studying hard enough. I'm not regretting the effort I put in. Cause I think I did put in effort, and I seriously think I don't deserve this result.

Maybe God made me choose between Form 6 and Matriculation and I made the wrong decision. God allows failures, and He'll also pick me up from it. But I'm not standing up yet, I have so many questions running in my head. Why form 6, why so terrible, why, it's such a waste of time.

I just found out my course needs a foundation or a diploma in the Uni I wanted. So yet again it's another bad news. What should I do now. Seriously.

Heard from my juniors that my teachers actually talked about me in class. I was a disappointment. Teachers literally sighed. Why, I really am such a disappointment.. Mother was unhappy. She asked why, I couldn't give an answer.

So nice that my sister is graduating, and she's doing so good.. I don't like being worried about, I don't like to bring trouble to my parents, but I just am such a headache.

If I could, I would love to pay for my own education fees all by myself.
If I could, I would do anything I want as long I don't need their help.
If I could hear from God directly, I won't have to worry so much.
If I could hear from God...I won't be bringing myself down so much..

I'm so lost.
I'm doing all the wrong things.
Nothing seems right anymore..

I don't know why am I saying so much unrelated and unnecessary stuff.
So much contradiction so much nonsense.

I'm taking a break from everything I'm doing.
I don't know when will I be back..
Just, leave me alone...

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