Jul 13, 2013

at 2:02 AM


Herro, if you're interested about my UPU result, then you may continue reading :D

It was out yesterday at 12 pm. That feeling of anticipation came back like all other times when I waited for results, whether it's a competition or major exams. I used to be so excited and nervous before any results but not this time. I just had a feeling I won't be satisfied, or maybe I just wasn't ready to go through another failure. Lol that negative.

Cause really I didn't know how to react. I've been going through too many failures, I thought I just couldn't handle anything like that anymore. Anyway my mother finally urged me to check at 7pm. So I did.

SO here's the isi penting that you want to know.

Surprisingly, I was not as disappointed as I thought I would be. 
And surprisingly, I couldn't find a word to exactly describe my feelings. 

I told my mother, she gave me encouraging words. Thanks mom.

Funny how when I told my friends they were all feeling sorry and asked me not to be sad and all. It's okay guys, I haven't felt anything so far. It's so numb till I don't know what to feel anymore lol.

Oh by the way I appealed, so there is still hope I guess.. =)

Last night I drove home alone at about 10.50pm. I took the road not taken, flyover instead of town, because I was too blank. The flyover takes more time to reach my house but it avoids all the traffic and turnings. Then I decided to do something I have never done before.

I switched to 'Lite FM' and drove at 40km/h on the flyover. 

I grabbed the upper part of my steering wheel with my right hand, held my gear stick with the left, leaned back, and let my mind swayed. I was thinking, I was not, I forgot. My eyesight went off a few times like I was daydreaming.

The road was empty, only a few cars in every one minute or so. I was driving really, slow. Well I speed a lot (I hope my mom won't see this), and I'm always in a rush when I drive. It's either I'm late, or it's too hot so I have to be fast. So for once, I was staring straight in front, with all the streetlights lining by the road, allowing the beams to shine through my front glass and passed my face. They looked extra amazing through the thin night air, like they were descending upon the low lying valleys..with rivers flowing beneath the wooden bridge..and..you know...lol dang I must be crazy. But I went blank, so my imagination took control. 

I took about 10 minutes just for that short distance, which I normally could drive pass it in less than 3 minutes. And when I reached a traffic light that leads to my house, I took the U-turn instead. I remained at 40km/h. Drove all the way up flyover, and another U-turn back. Then again, U-turned a second time. Then, a third.

I repeated my journey 3 times. Along the flyover. 

I wasn't even reflecting anything, or be depressed cause I wasn't selected for the Uni I wanted. I was just slowing down, being extra 0 in my head, with my foot just laying on the accelerator pedal. Not even stepping. Just the weight of my foot. 


It was close to midnight, and cars were speeding. I am no difference with them cause I would have sped too. But all of a sudden I thought to myself (ok I just said I wasn't thinking), sometimes life is in such a hurry. Everybody wants to be quick. Things go by too fast before we even started valuing them. Like the streetlights. -("._.)-

Since it was Lite FM that I was listening to, and it was their 'Classic Hits All Day', all the songs they played were kinda emo. Songs like Love Takes Time - Mariah Carey, One Hundred Ways - James Ingram, and a few more I forgot. Love songs yeap. I don't know, I was just trying to be as calm as possible. 

The whole journey took me more than 30 minutes. I could reach PD already. Or perhaps 2 more repeated U-turns could bring me to Subang or KL. I loved that. The process of everything, the moment I took to blank myself and..just be blank.

Was I avoiding my problem? I don't know. I'm just gonna sit here and wait for my second chance now. I hope God will show me something soon, at least a glimpse, so that I won't be this lost. 

I want to give them up. 
They are too heavy. 
I'm really so tired. 
Can I restart. 
Or should I. 
But how. 
Dang it.


Jul 9, 2013

at 6:48 PM

Dream #1

I've been dreaming strange dreams lately. Dreams that include crime scenes, escaping from people, weird places, superpower, fairytale, death, me stabbing monsters, immortality, and the rest were about my boyfriend rofl.

So here goes.


It was pitch dark in that endless space, everyone was trapped in a maze with walkways and steps and slopes. So ultimately everyone was trying to escape from the maze. Suddenly there were leopards and tigers chasing us. So we had to either climb on higher grounds, or keep sprinting away from them. I could remember myself holding a sabre and when finally I reached a dead end, I decided to turn around and  confront the leopard behind me. In the end when it jumped on me, I straighten my hand and it was killed having the sabre cut right through it's heart. 

Suddenly out of nowhere, there was a river of ink that came like tsunami, filled the whole walkway and kept rising till it reached out chest level. To avoid being drowned by the black milk, we kept walking up the slope and it seemed so never-ending. 

Now the setting has changed.

I walked into a room along the walkway, like it has a small door that only I could see. When I walked in, the black milk did not flow in through the door, they remained outside and I was saved. There was this pair of mother and daughter sitting on a sofa or something. I forgot why but she was holding a round blade that has no holder, and around the blade there were sharp sawteeth with zigzag pattern. She was coming towards me. I wanted to protect myself. Before I could do anything, she was standing in front of me with her eyes staring straight into mine. Let me tell you you don't want to imagine that. She did not blink. So it was like.. O__O...dang it.

Next thing was her trying to kill me with that blade. Like I said it has no holder and it was round, so when she was holding it at the same time the sharp saw-teeth was also facing her palm. I tried to block but I was too afraid it would hurt me, till in the end I man-ed up and pushed the blade hard to her. Amazingly the blade bended I had no idea how. So her hand was bleeding. 

I pushed her to the sofa and in a blink of an eye the sabre I used earlier to kill the leopard appeared in my hand again :3 She was trying to defend and attack, really the scene was so cigek. (I guess I got that feeling from the RunningMan game I had with my church friends last Sunday when we were trying to tear the names from each other's back.) So later I STABBED her in her stomach with my sabre, then 2 more stabs right at her heart. She screamed, and she died.

Her mother was crying so bad. She then said something like '今天是她的生日!你竟然杀死她!我刚刚还问她要吃什么!还打算请她吃大餐!’ 


Then the next scene was me talking to the pretty girl in spirit form. She became a good ghost. I felt bad because she was really pretty. So I cried and told her I'm sorry. She forgave me. We hugged. I wonder how I hugged a spirit but yeah, no hate, and we were friends again.

P/s: Ok I had a really hard time recalling it.


Jul 7, 2013

at 3:37 PM

8 days to 15th.

Everywhere I go, I go with the presence of you in my mind.

Dreaming every now and then that you're right next to me.
Wishing so bad that you're here with me.
Imagining every response you would give, to every action I may take.
Picturing you doing the same thing as I am.

I love bringing back memories from the past,
just to hear your voice playing in my head.
I love holding things that you gave,
just to remember how you used to hold my hand.

It's been 3 and a half years.
With us walking through ups and downs with each other.
I hope I still am capable of being the one,
and only one that helps in most of the things you do.

Even thou it's 8 days to our 42 months.
But I want to hereby wish us a happy 3 and a half years together.
With this also I want to tell you I'm sorry,
for being stubborn being ridiculous.

Once again thanks for everything.
I wish I'm a better girlfriend.

With love,


Jul 3, 2013

at 4:47 PM


You can't stop people from hurting you, it depends how you choose to react. I've been practicing not to react to criticism, or rather, I react differently. However when it comes to people that matters to you, then it's a different thing to handle altogether. For instance, if a mother keeps telling her daughter that she's ugly, she'll keep thinking that for the rest of her life even thou her friends say otherwise. On the other hand if a girl gets all the criticism from everybody except for her mother, she'll still be strong and think she's the best regardless all the attacks from the outside world. Why. Because she has support. She has a home to run back to. She has her mother at the end of the day, to hold her and say 'silly girl, you're the best.'

Why. It all goes back to the one important person in her life.

I love to compare since young. Because I always want to win. So one day when I was a little girl my father taught me to compare to myself instead. Have I been improving, have I truly did my best, have I beat my last high score. Comparing to others is equivalent to being jealous of people's achievements, he said. Thank you dad, I guess I've learned the lesson. But I found out that comparing to myself brings me down even more when I keep failing every time.

Anyway, that isn't the point.

I just had an important person telling me the same thing that everybody else has been telling me. I thought we must all learn to love one another regardless. If you see something wrong with a person's attitude, you tell them because you love them. But if you see something that you DON'T LIKE on a person, you accept them because you love them. You don't ask them to change because you Don't Like them. Their appearance, for example. Like they can control how they want to look like?

You never knew how big a deal it is to me.
For me to hear it from your mouth.

I always thought I have a 'home' to run back to when I am hurt. 
I thought I have that 'home' to secure me. 
I thought that 'home' would always think I'm the best, because I belong to this 'home'. 
But I ain't as lucky as that little girl. 
Because my home is not a home anymore.

And when I was about to move my cursor to the 'publish' button, 
I heard a voice inside, 
telling me 
'why look for assurance from men, when God is your Creator?'

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