Jul 13, 2013

at 2:02 AM

Transition

Herro, if you're interested about my UPU result, then you may continue reading :D

It was out yesterday at 12 pm. That feeling of anticipation came back like all other times when I waited for results, whether it's a competition or major exams. I used to be so excited and nervous before any results but not this time. I just had a feeling I won't be satisfied, or maybe I just wasn't ready to go through another failure. Lol that negative.

Cause really I didn't know how to react. I've been going through too many failures, I thought I just couldn't handle anything like that anymore. Anyway my mother finally urged me to check at 7pm. So I did.

SO here's the isi penting that you want to know.



Surprisingly, I was not as disappointed as I thought I would be. 
And surprisingly, I couldn't find a word to exactly describe my feelings. 

I told my mother, she gave me encouraging words. Thanks mom.

Funny how when I told my friends they were all feeling sorry and asked me not to be sad and all. It's okay guys, I haven't felt anything so far. It's so numb till I don't know what to feel anymore lol.

Oh by the way I appealed, so there is still hope I guess.. =)


Last night I drove home alone at about 10.50pm. I took the road not taken, flyover instead of town, because I was too blank. The flyover takes more time to reach my house but it avoids all the traffic and turnings. Then I decided to do something I have never done before.

I switched to 'Lite FM' and drove at 40km/h on the flyover. 

I grabbed the upper part of my steering wheel with my right hand, held my gear stick with the left, leaned back, and let my mind swayed. I was thinking, I was not, I forgot. My eyesight went off a few times like I was daydreaming.


The road was empty, only a few cars in every one minute or so. I was driving really, slow. Well I speed a lot (I hope my mom won't see this), and I'm always in a rush when I drive. It's either I'm late, or it's too hot so I have to be fast. So for once, I was staring straight in front, with all the streetlights lining by the road, allowing the beams to shine through my front glass and passed my face. They looked extra amazing through the thin night air, like they were descending upon the low lying valleys..with rivers flowing beneath the wooden bridge..and..you know...lol dang I must be crazy. But I went blank, so my imagination took control. 

I took about 10 minutes just for that short distance, which I normally could drive pass it in less than 3 minutes. And when I reached a traffic light that leads to my house, I took the U-turn instead. I remained at 40km/h. Drove all the way up flyover, and another U-turn back. Then again, U-turned a second time. Then, a third.

I repeated my journey 3 times. Along the flyover. 

I wasn't even reflecting anything, or be depressed cause I wasn't selected for the Uni I wanted. I was just slowing down, being extra 0 in my head, with my foot just laying on the accelerator pedal. Not even stepping. Just the weight of my foot. 

Sigh. 

It was close to midnight, and cars were speeding. I am no difference with them cause I would have sped too. But all of a sudden I thought to myself (ok I just said I wasn't thinking), sometimes life is in such a hurry. Everybody wants to be quick. Things go by too fast before we even started valuing them. Like the streetlights. -("._.)-

Since it was Lite FM that I was listening to, and it was their 'Classic Hits All Day', all the songs they played were kinda emo. Songs like Love Takes Time - Mariah Carey, One Hundred Ways - James Ingram, and a few more I forgot. Love songs yeap. I don't know, I was just trying to be as calm as possible. 

The whole journey took me more than 30 minutes. I could reach PD already. Or perhaps 2 more repeated U-turns could bring me to Subang or KL. I loved that. The process of everything, the moment I took to blank myself and..just be blank.

Was I avoiding my problem? I don't know. I'm just gonna sit here and wait for my second chance now. I hope God will show me something soon, at least a glimpse, so that I won't be this lost. 


I want to give them up. 
They are too heavy. 
I'm really so tired. 
Can I restart. 
Or should I. 
But how. 
Dang it.
Bye.

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