Sep 17, 2013

at 2:03 AM

加油

我又再次带着沉重的心情,来到了这里。

我相信神把这个难关放在我的生命中,
一定有他的旨意吧?
我怎么还看不见出口呢
这种先甜后苦的感受,真的很烂
感觉越来越难熬了

真的好累
这真是我的问题吗?
还是我太天真
让步让得离谱了

每次对自己说不要紧时
到底真的不要紧
还是在逼自己看不见?

我的原则怎么办?

算了,
真的不要紧了,
我会做好自己,
其他管不着的,
让神处理。

楚仪加油! =)


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Sep 14, 2013

at 1:25 AM

A night with myself.

When was the last time you looked back in life and realized you've grown?

Yet again it's another question to ponder. Have I really grown when I think I have? The year hasn't been very easy to me. For the whole year I would say I have done nothing but the same old routine, same old jobs and faces. I haven't had my breakthrough yet. But soon.

Truth is when I looked back at January this year and compared it with the present, I felt that I was totally a different person back then. It's a turning point for me. It's a challenge. And obvious enough it was a miserable 8 months altogether.

Today marks the end of my miserable life.

UPU has release the result for those who appealed for local uni, and mine didn't get through. A normal person would be disappointed, but to my surprise I heaved a really big sigh of relieve. I don't know, it felt like the big stone had finally been removed. I finally get to make my final decision. You have no idea how it feels like to keep WAITING for something. For a friggin 8 months. You have no idea also how annoying it was to keep getting questions and all I could answer was ' I don't know yet' then the following question would be 'how come?' and another round of explaining had to be made. But I couldn't yell at them, cause they cared enough to keep asking. Oh well thanks though.

This year I've gone through enough of disappointments. To people to myself to everything that had happened. God did make me learn this year. Sometimes our God can be really humorous I'm unsure even whether to laugh or cry. But all in all His arrangements are always the best, and I can't help it but to love Him more.

Apart from the uni stuff, I've gone trough more serious stuff last night. I banged a car's ass for the 3rd time in my 3 years of driving experience (pretty fair one in each year lol). I wasn't even speeding, the car in front made a sudden brake BECAUSE there was another car that made a sudden turn or something. I was cutting to the right lane, paid too much attention to my right wing mirror therefore did not see his sudden brake.

I'm gonna skip the story of the whole process of talking. I just really thank God I'm perfectly fine even thou my car is badly crashed. Not that bad actually, boyfriend said it was less serious than he thought.


Sigh so sakit hati... Plus it took me one and a half month's savings for this.

Just now in the afternoon about 4pm, I was on bed going to take a nap. I was physically worn out, but mentally wide awake. I tried to sleep but my mind just couldn't stop thinking. Too many things running at one time, I almost exploded. Then I recalled the accident last night. I have no idea where that peace came from at that moment. I wasn't even panicked. Lol when I was negotiating with that Indian guy I thought I was gonna fake a cry just to get sympathy HAHAHA how stupid. But funny thing  was that I couldn't even force a panic tear out. Something just assured me that it's gonna be alright. Probably from Above.

The only thing that was stuck in my head, wasn't the accident or the careless owner, but my worried parents. My heart ached when I saw how worried they were. This afternoon I went with dad to meet the owner to settle some payment for the repair, took dad half of his rest time to do that. He could have rested at home. I did not like that feeling, like I'm such a burden that always get them worried and troubled. I could have been more careful to save my parents and myself from these hassles. 

x-x-x

Maybe I've held it too tight.
Maybe it would be perfect if I haven't cared so much.




I am backing off.
For the better.

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Sep 11, 2013

at 2:24 PM

Another busy Wednesday.

Herro I'm here again to make sure I'm occupied before work.

Just came back from kindergarten at about 1pm, I have 3 tuition later at 2.30pm - 4.30pm, 4.30pm - 7pm, and 7.30pm to 9pm  NAYY. I actually planned to watch a movie just now to keep myself awake but changed my mind cause was caught up watching my boyfie's stream at www.twitch.tv/xenoviper. Anyway it's 2pm now I'll have to go get ready soon.

Pushed all my tuition today cause some of them are having their UPSR exam and they have English paper tomorrow. Last day of tuition today, and Imma miss them soon ish.

I slept at 11pm last night to make sure I have enough energy today, and thank God my brain hasn't gone offline yet cause normally it's my rest time at this hour. Also my sufficient sleep and caffeine this morning contributed a lot. I'm such a happy girl now ahaha.

Let's hope I can still leave some strength for tonight to re-polish my nails cause some parts have dropped off (thanks to the guitar strings) and they look super ugly now.

Till then ciao!



Love,
Jo
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Sep 6, 2013

at 1:29 PM

The future awaits.

September 6th. 

Haaai I guess September is getting more beautiful now. I can't help it but to keep imagining my uni life soon.. =) I can't wait I just can't.. I need it to pull me out at least, of this comfort zone. I'm getting lazier each day ish.

Half of my students are stopping this month after their UPSR, and I'm torn between that excitement of freedom and anxiousness of getting less income lol. I'm becoming more giam siap these days even I myself am surprised.. I hardly resist on food but just these 3 months I'm always rejecting yamcha with the gang and makes me look like some antisocial freak rawr.

Truth is I'm saving like MAD (both in game and real life rofl) for my uni soon. I haven't told my mom yet but I want to surprise her with the amount of savings I have now hehe. She's been really tight as she's also paying for my sister's education. I told myself I want to try pay for my own education, I'll do whatever it takes. At least for the first year.

God has really been awesome to me, His blessings are sufficient and I can never, ever, outgive God. I've cut down MOST of my entertainment with friends especially on movies and yamcha. So I'll make sure I eat and watch movies with my family because you-know-why AHAHA k that makes no difference I'm still gonna make them spend on me HAHAHA ohmygoodness.

Point is, I've been the most rebellious kid among my siblings so I'm gonna do something for my parents now.

Life's gonna change soon.
I need to start studying again.


GAHHHH I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGERRRRRRRR!



ladadididaa. ^__^




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Sep 1, 2013

at 10:42 PM

Pain of 1st September.

Why,

is every first day of the month so terrible.

It's as stinky as ever.

It rained since noon hour,

contributed to my mixed-feelings.

I slept a few times since it started raining,

and I woke up each time feeling worse than before.

That scene, that weather, that smell, that sentence.

I sat on my cabinet with windows wide open,
allowing the wind to brush through my hair,

expecting each gush to sweep off my tears,

wishing desperately for someone to understand my feelings.

I'm so torn down that each pieces of my broken heart,

could hardly be gathered once more.

For the whole day waves after waves of pain welled up,

forming water at the corner of my eyes.

I wept silently staining my own shirt,

at the same time holding back the hardest I could.

I patted myself, I felt my own heartbeat.

I put one arm on the other,

as though someone was next to me, comforting me, loving me.


Lastly at night, I pampered myself with a good mask session.

I need to relax, I thought.

I closed my eyes as the mask cooled my cheek,

washed away the stain of my painful tears.

But the moment I closed my eyes,

I couldn't help it but to think again.

In the end I left my mask on longer than it should be.

Perhaps I went too deep.




I spent the whole day thinking.

What have I done.

Really, what have I done..

What is it..




I have never forgotten about you.
Says he.




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Don't come near me I'm on fire.

I'm so friggin down now even chocolate can't save me.

I'm on period.
My muscles sore because of some imba warm-ups during dance 3 days ago.
My muscles sore even more after yesterday's sports event.
I'm having headache since yesterday.
My skin got sun burnt I look so ugly now.
Everybody starts their uni tomorrow except for me.
I just got scolded because my uncle told my mom he saw me speeding on the road yesterday.
I was super down already so I accidentally showed face, got scolded even more.



I have never forgotten about you.
Says he.

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