Sep 14, 2013

at 1:25 AM

A night with myself.

When was the last time you looked back in life and realized you've grown?

Yet again it's another question to ponder. Have I really grown when I think I have? The year hasn't been very easy to me. For the whole year I would say I have done nothing but the same old routine, same old jobs and faces. I haven't had my breakthrough yet. But soon.

Truth is when I looked back at January this year and compared it with the present, I felt that I was totally a different person back then. It's a turning point for me. It's a challenge. And obvious enough it was a miserable 8 months altogether.

Today marks the end of my miserable life.

UPU has release the result for those who appealed for local uni, and mine didn't get through. A normal person would be disappointed, but to my surprise I heaved a really big sigh of relieve. I don't know, it felt like the big stone had finally been removed. I finally get to make my final decision. You have no idea how it feels like to keep WAITING for something. For a friggin 8 months. You have no idea also how annoying it was to keep getting questions and all I could answer was ' I don't know yet' then the following question would be 'how come?' and another round of explaining had to be made. But I couldn't yell at them, cause they cared enough to keep asking. Oh well thanks though.

This year I've gone through enough of disappointments. To people to myself to everything that had happened. God did make me learn this year. Sometimes our God can be really humorous I'm unsure even whether to laugh or cry. But all in all His arrangements are always the best, and I can't help it but to love Him more.

Apart from the uni stuff, I've gone trough more serious stuff last night. I banged a car's ass for the 3rd time in my 3 years of driving experience (pretty fair one in each year lol). I wasn't even speeding, the car in front made a sudden brake BECAUSE there was another car that made a sudden turn or something. I was cutting to the right lane, paid too much attention to my right wing mirror therefore did not see his sudden brake.

I'm gonna skip the story of the whole process of talking. I just really thank God I'm perfectly fine even thou my car is badly crashed. Not that bad actually, boyfriend said it was less serious than he thought.


Sigh so sakit hati... Plus it took me one and a half month's savings for this.

Just now in the afternoon about 4pm, I was on bed going to take a nap. I was physically worn out, but mentally wide awake. I tried to sleep but my mind just couldn't stop thinking. Too many things running at one time, I almost exploded. Then I recalled the accident last night. I have no idea where that peace came from at that moment. I wasn't even panicked. Lol when I was negotiating with that Indian guy I thought I was gonna fake a cry just to get sympathy HAHAHA how stupid. But funny thing  was that I couldn't even force a panic tear out. Something just assured me that it's gonna be alright. Probably from Above.

The only thing that was stuck in my head, wasn't the accident or the careless owner, but my worried parents. My heart ached when I saw how worried they were. This afternoon I went with dad to meet the owner to settle some payment for the repair, took dad half of his rest time to do that. He could have rested at home. I did not like that feeling, like I'm such a burden that always get them worried and troubled. I could have been more careful to save my parents and myself from these hassles. 

x-x-x

Maybe I've held it too tight.
Maybe it would be perfect if I haven't cared so much.




I am backing off.
For the better.

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