Jan 6, 2014

at 1:58 PM

On my own.

It was supposed to be a very good day despite it being a Monday, cause I only have one class and I have the whole day to myself. But things seem to go against me so much that I can't find what is there to be happy about today.

Final is close and it's almost the end of my first semester for Foundation year. All the projects have been given and I have a total of 6 final assignments to hand in by next week. The stress is kicking in and plus this stupid period I'm having, it gets me so restless and so packed in my little useless brain.

Out of the 6 assignments, 2 of them are group assignments. I have 2 different groups to work with. One was the efficient one the other I'm not sure but they seem so passive and I'm kinda worried. The first group I'm with now has 6 members including me. The 5 of them are in one group for another assignment.. I didn't get to be in the group because I wasn't in class that day. So just now when we were talking about the first assignment, they were discussing also for the second assignment. I was there, quiet the whole time. I can't say anything because I'm not in their group for the second assignment.. I suddenly felt so..left out. Even for the first assignment, they seem to know everything but me.. I don't understand why.. Suddenly somebody said 'It's okay Joey, we all know you work best alone..' I mean, she really meant what she said and she understood my style of doing things. And she was also right that I prefer to work alone. But the moment she said that my heart really sank..perhaps I just felt really alone that time..I can't feel the togetherness with them..sigh

Then I said I should leave, because there isn't much things for me to know already..so I left, depressed. I walked to the ATM machine cause I need to settle some payment. Then I saw another group of my classmates that I was quite close with. They were walking together laughing and just seem so, happy. Without me..

They said hi and just went off to another direction..I was left alone to do my own stuff again.

I sometimes really wonder how it feels like to have a really strong friendship with a group of same friends all the time. I see a lot of my friends who're always with the same people. It's hardly that way for me, since secondary school, form 6, and even now.

I'm always afraid to bring trouble to people, therefore I hardly ask for help. It always seems to me like when I ask for help the person's gonna feel irritated, so I avoid that. I like to take my own time doing my things, I don't like to make people wait. So whenever class ended or anything, I'm usually alone. I walk out of the class alone, I walk home alone, and I just enjoy doing that.

That's pretty much how I live everyday.

When I first entered uni I had this group of friends that I mentioned in my earlier posts. They were crazy, awesome, high, excited all the time. They have so many activities together and they're always outside hanging out. I used to be one of them, but because I rejected them too many times for outing, they started to leave me out of the picture. I don't get invitation anymore, I don't get to take selfies with them anymore. Out of 10 selfies of them I'm in none. They used to invite me for meals, but because I cook my own meals, they stopped inviting me. They used to invite me to their place to have fun together, but because I like to stay home, they stopped inviting me..

All of these contributes and I'm now finally being left alone. They gave me all my space, they gave me all the time I want to myself, they stopped calling me to join them..

What hurts the most was when even a 'goodbye' was never said to me. Just now while we were having group discussion, when the rest of them were leaving the class, the girl turned and was like 'hey XXX and XXX, goodbyeeeeeee~' I was right in the middle of them, how could she not see me..but I waved anyway.. Then after awhile another group passed by and was like 'hey, later on?' then one of my groupmate was like 'yeah sure, later okay? bye cya' I was like okay..you guys had plans? what could it be.. Of course I did not say it out, but I felt really down that moment.

Sigh.

It's not like I have problem being alone..
but why is everybody treating me like I don't exist?
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